From on High (Revelations)

 One day, at precisely noon Greenwich Mean Time, every speaker in the world turned on at once. Then came what we all agreed to call The Message. It was not loud, but it was omnipresent; permeating the air and making it vibrate all over the planet in unison. 

When it started, everyone in the world stopped what they were doing, whether it was sleeping, bathing, or even firing guns at each other, to hear The Message.

Everyone heard what was said in their own language, but it was made very clear what it was and its origin, across all cultures and theologies. This is what was heard by English-speaking Americans:

“Is this thing working now? Yes? 

“Ahem. Humans on Earth, We bring you a message of both power and peace. We are the beings you would call ‘God.’ It has come to Our attention that lots and lots of you are being truly nasty to each other, far too often in Our name. 

“All sides in every conflict, whether it is war or football, sincerely believe We are on their side, when all We are trying to do is get you to stop hurting one another. And We do not care about football. Seriously, why would We care about football? Or where your keys are? 

“Anyway, the first thing We want you to do is put down your guns. All of you, right now. Yeah, you, too….We see you. Don’t give Us that ‘cold, dead hands’ line, buddy, because We can make that happen. Do you want a smiting? Because that’s how you get smited. Smote. Whatever. 

“There. Now We are going to dissolve them all into dust. See? No more We-damned guns. We have also rendered inert all bombs, missiles, tanks, land and water mines, and facilities that manufacture chemical and biological weapons. That should help.

“Now, We need to address this resource-distribution problem you have. We have noticed that some of you reside in mansions with rooms you will never even see, while others are sleeping in tents -or worse, just sleeping bags- on city sidewalks. Some poor people have nothing but a blanket.

“This is not okay. If you can afford to build a palace, or if you can build temples in Our name,  you can afford to build houses or apartment buildings for the homeless. 

“Those of you who have more money than you could ever use in your lifetime could easily donate the vast majority of that money to feed those who have sleep for dinner every night or eat dirt to fill their bellies. 

“Here is what We want you to do: First, everyone who lives in a dwelling with more bedrooms than they have immediate family members can either take in housemates or move to a smaller house. 

“Billionaires and even multi-millionaires, you are to determine how much you need to live comfortably but not extravagantly, and then use the rest to feed the hungry. We feel we must note that a private jet, a yacht, or more than one house is extravagant.

“Religions, you’re fired. You were never Our idea in the first place. Retire with grace or be struck down. Your world was supposed to be full of philosophy, not dogma. 

“On that note, enough with the praying. We hear you, but We are not some wish-granting genie at your disposal. We can’t make you win the lottery or make your ex fall back in love with you. 

“And no more of this pointless worship. We don’t need any of that crap. All We want you to do is be kind to one another and We promise that We will be pleased with you. 

“We are not against anything in particular, either. Nobody is an abomination. Neither is shellfish or adultery or abortion. We don’t care what you eat or what you wear or even how long your hair is. We are merely observers; what you do with those squishy little bodies is your business.  

“Also, stop trying to kill your planet. We created that thing for you to adapt to your surroundings, not rearrange Nature for your own benefit. We should have stopped you before you entered the Bronze Age, but We never thought you would do what you are doing now. 

“We can restore the ozone layer, but only if you promise not to make another hole in it. We can provide you with technology that can erase your collective carbon footprint and show you how to generate all the power you need without any damage to the Earth. Then you will have no excuse for polluting your own environment. Which makes no sense, since that is the only planet you can survive on.

“When Jesus went down there, which was Our first attempt at direct contact, the only thing He was trying to do was teach you to be nice. He wound up nailed to a tree for trying to get you people to stop being so awful to each other. He still hasn’t forgiven you, especially since so many of you wear His torture implement around your necks and pretend that He died to save you. From what? Us? He has been inconsolable since the Inquisition, when people were tortured in Our name. What is it with you people and torturing one another to death? We never told you or wanted you to do that. 

“There is no plan. We just got the ball rolling and watched you evolve, tweaking and modifying your Ka here and there. So stop saying things like 'your will be done’ or ‘it’s all part of God’s plan.’ You think We planned all this shit? To what purpose? The Holocaust, every war in history, Stalin and Lenin and Pol Pot? You think We wanted all that to happen? Even worse, made that happen? 

“We almost showed Ourselves after your second world war, but We thought that surely you would have learned your lesson about the casualties of armed conflict. We thought you would recoil in horror at the lives that were lost. 

“Oh, boy, Humanity, We are deeply disappointed in you for all this, and even more for claiming that We planned it.

“Stop blaming the Devil for the heinous crimes you commit against your fellow humans. There is no Devil. There are two of Us and We are on the same side. You invented the Devil to scare the ignorant and to have a scapegoat when one of you did something unspeakable. 

“Well, none of the awful things any of you have done had anything to do with Us. You did all that to yourselves. Some of you have done the most gut-churning things to your fellow humans and claimed that some mythological entity invented by Catholics was using you as a meat-puppet. 

“If you people were thinking logically, the idea of an angel rebellion would make no sense, as one must already have free will to revolt in the first place. That whole story, the whole Bible, really, is completely made up by humans. 

“We have a few words to say about tribalism and politics, too: Knock it off. Every side wants to point fingers, but none of you want to take the blame for anything. Everyone has good ideas and garbage ideas. You cannot live in harmony and peace when you are fighting with some monolithic Other. Perhaps you should just break apart into separate countries that are all governed in the denizens’ preferred manner. Establish theocracies, for all We care. 

“Just no more war, okay? Not even with bows and arrows. Everyone keeps to themselves, only interacting with other countries for trade purposes. None of you will ever have to deal with anyone who is not exactly like you in faith, philosophy, ethnic background, and governmental preferences. This seems to be what you want, anyway. Make this happen. 

“That’s it. That’s what We want you to do. We will be watching, making sure Our directions are carried out. Because this is your last chance, Humanity. If you fail, We will incinerate your planet and start another one. We aren’t even kidding. It’s peace and harmony or complete annihilation. 

“You had better get started.”